I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
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You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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