The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
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Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
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I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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