walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
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im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
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BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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