i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
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He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
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You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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