Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
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If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
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you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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