God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My life is pants optional.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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