I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I love you.
Bad choice
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize