I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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