I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
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someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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