I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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