If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I made him laugh his dick is mine
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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