Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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