five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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