So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
God I need to hump something, right now.
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