just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
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We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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