I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
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Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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