Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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