Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
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You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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