My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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