i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
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Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
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We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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