I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And then my night got REAL pukey
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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