I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
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The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
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A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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