Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
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apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
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I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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