she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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