i need an iv and a liver transplant
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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