for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
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This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
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So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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