I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
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SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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