I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
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It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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