there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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