Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
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no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
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They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize