he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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