Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
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He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
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If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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