Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
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We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
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Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
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