I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
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Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I don't deserve a penis
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
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I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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