So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Sorry about my life...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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