if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm having to shit out rocks
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