life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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