How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
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Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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