Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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