So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
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i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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