based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
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I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
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I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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