Soap is not a condiment
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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