My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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