The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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