I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
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There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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