Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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