just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
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You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
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my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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