forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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