He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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