You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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