i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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